


Hell in a Fruit Basket

by Anonymous



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M, On anon to preserve my dignity, all gays go to hell, eddie's flat ass, it's gay but also homophobic, supernatural crossover??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Eddie tells Richie he loves him then dies and goes to superhell because he’s gay.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 13
Kudos: 52
Collections: Anonymous





	Hell in a Fruit Basket

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sorry if someone else already wrote this! And I’m sorry in general.

“Richie, there’s something I always wanted to tell you,” Eddie chokes out, his voice thick with blood.

“Yeah? What is it, buddy?” Richie asks, a desperate plea, trying to conceal his sorrow, both for Eddie’s benefit and his own. ‘Please, let me hear it,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Please, just this once.’

Eddie’s chest heaves like cracked earth. His eyes are growing unfocused, his skin so pale it seems to glow.

Finally, he gives Richie a soft smile, beautiful and final.

“I love you,” he says reverently.

Just then, goopy black tendrils lurch out of the cavern wall and twist around Eddie’s body and limbs.

“Jesus Christ!” Richie shouts, impulsively pulling away. “What’s happening?!”

Eddie’s eyes are panicked. With the last of his strength he raises a hand, but it’s too late. The blackness has absorbed him, his face disappearing beneath the slimy ooze.

Richie has no time to process. He has to help the others. But once Pennywise is lying on the ground shriveled and defenseless, Richie doesn’t hold back.

“Where the fuck is he?!” he shouts.

The ugly little clown lets out a chortle. “Where do all the bad little boys go?” he answers with a smirk.

“Boarding school?”

“The Boy Scouts?”

“A farm upstate?”

Pennywise snarls. “No, hell! He’s in hell!” Then he dies.

They all stand there in shock as the first rocks begin to fall.

“Guys, we have to get him out of there!” Richie shouts.

“Out of hell?” Mike asks, confused about the process.

“Yeah, where else?!”

“And how are we supposed to do that, Richie?” Bev asks, neutral and practical.

“Richie, he’s gone,” Ben says, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait, so we’re just going to leave him in literal hell?” Richie asks. “No effort, no plan, we’re just going to leave him to suffer in agonizing torture for the rest of eternity?”

The others look at each other and nod approvingly. Then they grab Richie’s arms and drag him out screaming. Twenty minutes later they’re splashing around in the quarry and teasing him for being such a grumpy spoil sport.

Richie’s not sure how to go on. But by some miracle, he does. Despite being a homosexual man, he decides to marry a woman. He always seems to forget her name though. Jessica? Ashley? Hannah? Something in that ball park. He can’t quite remember how they met either, or what her face looks like. He’s always struggled with face blindness, specifically for her and only her.

Richie is sad all the time. He only ever thinks about Eddie. He cries a lot. But then one day his wife – Linda or Christie or whatever her name is – tells him that she’s pregnant. They quickly get an ultrasound and learn that it’s a boy, so of course Richie immediately suggests naming it Eddie.

“You want to name our son Eddie?” she asks, skeptically.

“Yeah, why, what’s wrong with that?”

“Isn’t that the name you’re always crying in bed? And shouting right before you come?”

Richie can’t understand what her complaint is.

Ultimately, they have to name him Eddie because before he’s even born Richie has five hundred pieces of baby clothing embroidered with the name. He paints it on the nursery wall and registers it with the city before his wife can stop him. She runs a lot slower now that she’s pregnant.

Finally Eddie is born. Not Edward, just Eddie. It says so on his birth certificate. And Richie loves him very much, and shows it by thinking about him much less than the guy he saw for eighteen hours after forgetting about his very existence for twenty-seven years.

Every day Richie mopes around the house, staring out the window, watering plants, thinking about how much he wanted to suck OG Eddie’s dick.

Before he knows it, thirty years have gone by. Eddie the Replacement moved out years ago. His wife must be around here somewhere, but he never really notices. He’s old now. You can tell because his hair is grey. He can’t really remember what he’s been doing for the last thirty years. Did he ever leave his house? Did he have a job? He made a lot of single pieces of toast, he remembers that much.

Then one day he’s lying in bed dying from Old Man Disease, when his son comes to his bedside.

“Eddie Tozier,” Richie says. “You were named after the hottest piece of flat ass I ever knew. Like, a fucking Graham cracker of an ass. If you were building a table, you could use his ass as a perfect level. The Greeks used that ass to invent geometry. I tragically never got to pound that ass, but if I did, it’d probably be like fucking a glory hole. You get it? Because walls are flat? Like his ass…”

_Beep…….._

Richie wakes up somewhere not very nice.

“Where am I?” he says to himself.

“You’re in hell.”

Richie turns around to see Eddie standing there with his hands in his pockets.

“Wait, why am I in hell?” Richie asks. “I mean, I wasn’t that bad, right? Sure, I had some problematic tweets. I kept listening to music by cancelled celebrities. And yeah, I fucked a lot of guys behind my wife’s back, but in my defense, they all had asses flatter than punctured tires, but hell seems like a bit much.”

“Sorry, all gay people go to hell,” Eddie replies with a shrug. “And not just any hell; this is super-turbo-mega hell for gay people only.”

“That seems a bit homophobic.”

“You’re telling me. My inhaler got to go to heaven. And my fanny pack.”

“Shit, that sucks,” Richie says. “But can we at least have gay sex down here?”

“Yes, we can,” Eddie replies.

Richie then cures grand-slam-hell of homophobia by pounding Eddie’s flat ass into oblivion.


End file.
